I would make sweet love to Don Rickles.

I love my career, but I feel like you've got to babysit a lot of aspects of things. Assuming that things will be handled properly is just naive. But I think that's anyone's life, right? Even if you're running a construction site, it doesn't matter if you've been doing it for 20 years, you're still going to be blindsided by someone's incompetence or indifference.

I always imagine that if I met Dr. Seuss, he would be very similar to Crispin Glover.

I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don't need sleep. I think they're called 'successful.

Don't you think it's strange how many referees work at Footlocker?

"I got up early because I wanted to." - Nobody

There's something that's really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think.