I would make sweet love to Don Rickles.

Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.

Now that I'm married and have two beautiful children, it really makes me appreciate... being alone.

The whole idea of celebrity is flattering - it helps you get into restaurants and stuff - but once you obtain some creative fulfillment, which you do on a nightly basis as a comedian, it's hard to give that up just to be the wacky neighbor on a show.

I don't know, I find that honestly, the stand-up thing in some ways is a little bit of a cliché to carry around, because people don't consider stand-ups really actors.

It is amazing how much more amazing sleep is in the morning. You wake up and you're like, "I stayed up to do what?! Watch Growing Pains? What was I thinking!?" But at night you're like, "La La La La La, Hey! Growing Pains, awesome! And I've seen this episode. That Kirk Cameron's always in trouble."

Even when you hear about a comedian getting married, among comedians, we're always kind of like, what are they doing?