I would make sweet love to Don Rickles.

Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

What exactly are the ingredients of Ranch dressing? Mayo and disappointment?

Now the Thanksgiving meal is just so unnecessarily difficult. I mean even mashed potatoes - it's like the most difficult kind of, you know, medieval idea. All right, instead of just cooking them, why don't you spend, like, eight hours peeling them and then we'll have to mash them up. It feels like prison labor, really.

I think stand-up comedy is this - it's this kind of indulgence and narcissism.

They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always treats you like you're taking from his personal stash. "Looks like my kids aren't having ketchup tonight."