One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

Twitter allowed me to talk about parenting in short snippets and find out what I really wanted to say about it, which is that I'm a dad who had no idea what he's doing.

Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.

Comedians rarely have writers, and if you do it's usually a sign of laziness.

Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching TV in Poland, they see the Pope, they think, "That guy was a jerk! He was so mean to me and now he's Pope? I got a swirly from the Pope!"

Some fast food places, they have that ketchup pump. It's like a keg. They give you the paper shot glass. I always like to hang around there, try and meet the ladies. "Here, I'll pump for you. You come to this Wendy's often? My roommate and I, we got a pony pump back at my dorm. Here's an extra shot "

I would say I'm - in the show, I'm a cultural Catholic, which is what I was.