I think stand-up comedy is this - it's this kind of indulgence and narcissism.

The Pearly Gates. Am I the only one who finds it odd that Heaven has gates? What kind of neighborhood is Heaven in?

I don't know, I find that honestly, the stand-up thing in some ways is a little bit of a cliché to carry around, because people don't consider stand-ups really actors.

I left the Midwest thinking I didn't fit in. But when I got to New York, I realized how truly Midwestern I was.

If camping is so great, why are the bugs always trying to get in your house?

Weight Watchers says nothing tastes better than thin feels. I can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels.

Is there a homeless guy built in to the design of Dunkin' Donuts? ...There'll be an entrance here... a deranged lunatic here.