I think stand-up comedy is this - it's this kind of indulgence and narcissism.

Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it's what inspires you.

I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic.

I always imagine that if I met Dr. Seuss, he would be very similar to Crispin Glover.

You can never find the right bowling ball. This one's too heavy. This one's good but its pink!