Now the Thanksgiving meal is just so unnecessarily difficult. I mean even mashed potatoes - it's like the most difficult kind of, you know, medieval idea. All right, instead of just cooking them, why don't you spend, like, eight hours peeling them and then we'll have to mash them up. It feels like prison labor, really.

Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers.

You didn't question - kind of like, you would go to college. You would wear a tie to work. You would, you know, you would work for 40 years. And then you would play golf for three years, and then you would die. That was how I was raised.

Comics write to their point of view. If you're an exceedingly irreverent comedian, you've got to see where that point of view fits or produces the most funny.

My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'

I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia.

I smoke crack. I get all my dancers together and we do a prayer.