How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.

I've always wanted to be an actor. I've never planned on the acting and the stand-up feeding each other; they've always been separate desires.

After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!

There are some people who know who I am but there are a lot of people that have no idea who I am - which is not to say that that's a bad thing.

People need to write articles and they need to have angles in them and I'm grateful when people are doing articles, but I always say there's not a great mystery to stand-up comedy.

It's not as if ten years ago, we were like, 'I wish I could take low quality photos of my dessert.'

Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching TV in Poland, they see the Pope, they think, "That guy was a jerk! He was so mean to me and now he's Pope? I got a swirly from the Pope!"