I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way! 'Hey this smells like a dumpster, lets eat it!'

The reason I say I'm a horrible person is I don't want myself to be presented as somebody who's a great Catholic.

If camping is so great, why are the bugs always trying to get in your house?

Weight Watchers says nothing tastes better than thin feels. I can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels.

Playing frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to chasing after a frisbee.

"Entertainers Of Faith," funnyman Jim Gaffigan isn't ashamed of his Catholicism. He's seen here leaving a New York comedy club with his Bible in hand.

People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it?