How'd we come up with the robe? Was some guy just like, 'Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't we make a coat out of a towel? You can have a little belt that goes around. You could dunk the belt in the toilet! Have a toilet belt.'

I wish, in some ways, I was the type of comedian who could do something blistering and topical, but I'm the guy who gets stuck in the revolving door and thinks I should write about that.

I recently bought extreme chunky peanut butter. I opened it up.. .it was just peanuts. Wow that is extreme!

You can never look that tough in glasses. ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick your ass."

Meredith Baxter Birney gets beaten by a rod, in the Lifetime Original, Rod.

Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings.

Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.