People need to write articles and they need to have angles in them and I'm grateful when people are doing articles, but I always say there's not a great mystery to stand-up comedy.

That's my private business. Besides, the perception is that people that believe in God are stupid.

You can't tell me the success of Kevin Bacon isn't somehow tied to his name. You're not going out to see a Kevin Hot-Dog movie.

I left the Midwest thinking I didn't fit in. But when I got to New York, I realized how truly Midwestern I was.

Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

I'm a weirdo that goes on stage to make strangers laugh, but if I wasn't working, I would just want to be with my wife and kids. I don't even think I'd want to go out to dinner.