Some people that work for Hot Pockets came to my Denver Paramount Theater show. They brought these hot pocket boxes the size of suit cases for me to sign. I wrote "these are WMD's" on the boxes. The HP people seem to have a good sense of humor about all of it.

I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to have my old girlfriend's name. So call me old-fashioned, but this fella does what the Bible tells.

Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.

I was the youngest of six kids, so yeah, feeding myself was important, but it's not like I was obsessed with food growing up.

No one goes into standup to make money. The frustration and rejection are just too much.

I left the Midwest thinking I didn't fit in. But when I got to New York, I realized how truly Midwestern I was.

You think Jesus ever tried to talk God out of some of that stuff? 'Instead of that whole crucifixion, how about we do a big fundraiser!'