Thanksgiving, you know - Thanksgiving - it's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is we overeat.

I always imagine that if I met Dr. Seuss, he would be very similar to Crispin Glover.

When you hear bacon cooking....that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking....that's applause.

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.

Bacon's the best, even the frying of bacon sounds like an applause.

“Really, there are two types of people who go bowling. There are people who really, really love bowling. Then there are the people that are like: wouldn’t it be hysterical if we went bowling?”

I don't want people to think I believe in God.