“Really, there are two types of people who go bowling. There are people who really, really love bowling. Then there are the people that are like: wouldn’t it be hysterical if we went bowling?”

We all take Mother's Day seriously and then it's like a month later, a bunch of kids get together and say, "I guess we should do this for the old man, too." Father Day's is weird. It's like celebrating Darth Vader's birthday. It's odd I think. Even the gifts we give dads. Like neckties, which are just like a silk noose. Or books. Would you ever want someone from another generation to give you a book?

I try to only eat animals that are vegan. I'm probably the opposite of a vegan.

I don't want to be a TV star for the sake of being on TV. I want to have a TV show that's based around my comedy.

If someone picks up one thing you've written, you want them to go, 'Wow, this is pretty good.'

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

Who was the first person to walk into a harbor and say, "Whatever that horrible smell is I want to eat it"