It took me a long time to understand not to get caught up in other people's expectations. It really comes down to creative fulfillment. It took me a while to realize I don't want to just be on a show to be on a show.

For me, it's always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at my bed and lament, 'You were wonderful last night. I didn't want it to end. I can't wait to see you again.

Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.

I'm a guy who comes from a small town in the Midwest. It's not in my nature to say the most explicit things in public.

Once you identify yourself as believing something, you open yourself to ridicule.

Some people that work for Hot Pockets came to my Denver Paramount Theater show. They brought these hot pocket boxes the size of suit cases for me to sign. I wrote "these are WMD's" on the boxes. The HP people seem to have a good sense of humor about all of it.

I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.