Who was the first person to walk into a harbor and say, "Whatever that horrible smell is I want to eat it"

I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine.

For me, it's always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at my bed and lament, 'You were wonderful last night. I didn't want it to end. I can't wait to see you again.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

There is this false perception that comedians can never be serious. It's like from like the era of court jesters.

Thanksgiving, you know - Thanksgiving - it's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is we overeat.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."