It's amazing how email has changed our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? 'What the? Has someone been kidnapped?'

I've never tried fatback. Probably 'cause it's called fatback. I don't know which word creeps me out more: fat or back. Why don't they just throw in "hairy" while they're at it? "This is some delicious hairy fatback."

Comedians rarely have writers, and if you do it's usually a sign of laziness.

It's not as if ten years ago, we were like, 'I wish I could take low quality photos of my dessert.'

All I want to do is be a good dad, but I'm pretty bad at it.

I'm closer to Bob Newhart than Rodney Dangerfield.

I'm definitely hesitant wearing shorts during the summer. Like for a pale person, you know, summer - everyone in the world is so excited for summer, but pale people, we're just like, oh no.