It's amazing how email has changed our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? 'What the? Has someone been kidnapped?'

I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.

Thanksgiving is the most complicated meal you can think of. Every night, dinner is just pasta. It's just different shapes of pasta.

I should clarify that anyone that goes onstage and makes strangers laugh is insane. So I am insane.

You know, I want to teach, but I don’t want to read?

It doesn't matter if you're religious or not. Does anything make you feel more uncomfortable than some stranger going, I'd like to talk to you about Jesus?

Even when you hear about a comedian getting married, among comedians, we're always kind of like, what are they doing?