We tend to outdo ourselves.

The Pearly Gates. Am I the only one who finds it odd that Heaven has gates? What kind of neighborhood is Heaven in?

I think stand-up comedy is this - it's this kind of indulgence and narcissism.

Comedians rarely have writers, and if you do it's usually a sign of laziness.

For a comedian to kind of catch onto something right as something's catching on in our culture, a lot of it is luck, and you hope the joke is funny.

I lived across from a Catholic church for 15 years that I never went into. And then I got married to my wife and - you know, and now we're going in there every other day baptizing a kid.

I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.