The amount of guilt you deal with as a parent is pretty profound. It's a constant balancing act. I'm an ambitious person, but when I became a father, ambition had a different hold on me. Providing for my kids was important, but the superficial ambition drifted away.
Jim GaffiganWhen you hear bacon cooking....that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking....that's applause.
Jim GaffiganI think I grew up with the idea that God was a punishing being, constructed around rules.
Jim GaffiganIronically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings.
Jim GaffiganI initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine.
Jim GaffiganNew York has made me so paranoid, too. Whenever I visit another city, I always act like I'm from there, so the cab driver doesn't rip me off. I'm always like, "Yeah, it's good to be back home. Back here where I grew up. Yeah. Here in Tokyo. ... Uh, driver, I need to go to my old stomping grounds. That would be the Holiday Inn. And the address appears to be the pound sign."
Jim Gaffigan