My wife told me that in the Bible, Abraham circumcised himself... wow! I can't even get to the bank before it closes.

It doesn't matter if you're religious or not. Does anything make you feel more uncomfortable than some stranger going, I'd like to talk to you about Jesus?

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.

The entertainment business is such a strange, crazy perception business that you're either given way too much respect, like people saying, "You should be the head of the sitcom!" Or you're given no respect, where they're like, "You should audition to be the garbage man that lives four houses down."

Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings.

In stand up, you get an awareness of how you come across, but in acting there is almost a hyper-awareness on how you might be physically perceived.

All I want to do is be a good dad, but I'm pretty bad at it.