My wife told me that in the Bible, Abraham circumcised himself... wow! I can't even get to the bank before it closes.

I've always been somebody that it takes me longer to learn things, but once I learn them... I'm like a quarterback that plays best in the fourth quarter.

Comics write to their point of view. If you're an exceedingly irreverent comedian, you've got to see where that point of view fits or produces the most funny.

I was raised in a family where my father was the first one to go to college.

Now that I'm married and have two beautiful children, it really makes me appreciate... being alone.

I'm kind of like a guy who's missing a little bit of the guy gene. Like, I love steak, but the notion of golfing is the last thing I would want to do. I love women, but I'm also a mama's boy, and some of my best friends are women. So I'm kinda half guy's guy.

Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.