My wife told me that in the Bible, Abraham circumcised himself... wow! I can't even get to the bank before it closes.

No matter how you feel about your extended family or family gatherings you will be attending. This is because now the ultimate reason for attending family gatherings is for your children to have the time of their lives with their cousins. Little kids love their cousins. I’m not being cute or exaggerating here. Cousins are like celebrities for little kids. If little kids had a People magazine, cousins would be on the cover. Cousins are the barometers of how fun a family get-together will be. “Are the cousins going to be there? Fun!

It really never came up, but I think that in present-day America, they're - you know, and I touched on it in the initial clip - is that we are in the middle of this culture war.

I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll have a glass of water, you want a shot of Jäger? You want eight of 'em?"

Now that I'm married and have two beautiful children, it really makes me appreciate... being alone.

Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic.

Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.