I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine.

Screaming. Did I mention the screaming? Screaming is usually associated with horror films and roller coasters. This is why I usually look like I've just watched a horror film on a rollercoaster. Kids love to scream. Frightened, happy, bored. They scream. I've actually learned to love the sound of a vacuum cleaner. It's just so peaceful.

I grew up 45 minutes outside of Chicago.

The real question is should we trust people who don't like cheese?

My wife always asks me why I don't make the bed. And I respond with the same reason why I don't tie my shoes after I take them off.

I was the youngest of six kids, so yeah, feeding myself was important, but it's not like I was obsessed with food growing up.

Once you put bacon into a salad it's no longer a salad, it just becomes a game of find the bacon in the lettuce. It's like you're panning for gold, hmmmmm, EUREKA!