I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine.

Weight Watchers says nothing tastes better than thin feels. I can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels.

It's difficult to parent one kid, let alone five! It's insane. It's this strange, overwhelming mess that I would not trade for anything. I think it's more difficult in New York City. It's not like we can hop in the minivan and go somewhere. I don't own a car. It's chaos anywhere. Being a parent is difficult. Being a son and a daughter is difficult. It's a human relationship.

I've been outed as a Christian.

Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? There's always one person at work: "Something smells like smoke in here!" "Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy."

I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.

Without Valentine's Day, February would be... well, January.