I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine.

I lived across from a Catholic church for 15 years that I never went into. And then I got married to my wife and - you know, and now we're going in there every other day baptizing a kid.

Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.

Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings.

I grew up 45 minutes outside of Chicago.

Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it's what inspires you.

I'm afraid of a couple things. I'm afraid of getting caught up in other people's expectations, because I feel like that's an ongoing battle.