I'm an eccentric, silly, observational guy, but I'm not gonna frighten off social conservatives.

Weight Watchers says nothing tastes better than thin feels. I can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels.

My children have made me a better man, which is - in the end, that's probably more important than two more comedy specials or being in better shape.

Some fast food places, they have that ketchup pump. It's like a keg. They give you the paper shot glass. I always like to hang around there, try and meet the ladies. "Here, I'll pump for you. You come to this Wendy's often? My roommate and I, we got a pony pump back at my dorm. Here's an extra shot "

People need to write articles and they need to have angles in them and I'm grateful when people are doing articles, but I always say there's not a great mystery to stand-up comedy.

But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move.

Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?