I'm an eccentric, silly, observational guy, but I'm not gonna frighten off social conservatives.

I went to a Catholic University and there's something about being a Catholic-American. You know, St. Patrick's Day is, I'm Irish-Catholic. There's alcoholism in my family. It's like I've got to be Catholic, right?

Bacon bits are like the fairy dust of the food community.

Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though.

I never have free time, I don't know about you. You ever go to the cash machine, there's two people in line in front of you and you get kinda flustered, you're like "Forget it! I'm not standing here for 40 seconds. I got things to do, okay?"

Gyms are always packed. The only machine available is the one that simulates the gynecological exam. You know, the Sharon Stone machine.

Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it's what inspires you.