Imagine you're drowning, and someone hands you a baby.

Manhattan's probably one of the bluest parts in the country, and Indiana's definitely one of the redder states. I have sympathy for both sides.

If only opening a Vitamin Water could be classified as working out.

You think Jesus ever tried to talk God out of some of that stuff? 'Instead of that whole crucifixion, how about we do a big fundraiser!'

Is there a homeless guy built in to the design of Dunkin' Donuts? ...There'll be an entrance here... a deranged lunatic here.

You don't use mayonnaise, why? ... Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use mayonnaise? I could go outside.

Thanksgiving, you know - Thanksgiving - it's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is we overeat.