Imagine you're drowning, and someone hands you a baby.

Award shows are really silly. I'm very happy for the people that win the awards, and I can say they're really silly, but I would love to get one. So I also know wasting time on that is pointless.

Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: "I still live near you!" The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.

I think what Pope Francis is saying is that nobody's perfect, you know? And so someone like Joe Biden, you know, where - you know, when he was running for president, people were - there were some bishops that were like don't let him have the Eucharist. And Pope Francis is saying that's not the point of this.

When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.

There's something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian.

Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though.