Imagine you're drowning, and someone hands you a baby.

You can never find the right bowling ball. This one's too heavy. This one's good but its pink!

You ever mix two different groups of friends? That can be stressful. You always feel like you have to prep 'em. You're like, "These people over here, uh, they don't think I drink. And don't be thrown by my British accent."

I like to stay in a hotel where it's a dome of silence. I can sit in my room and do nothing.

I wouldn't say that comedy brought me away from it.I think that my idea of faith was another obligation in my life.

I'd really like to promote my increasing consumption of bacon.

I know that Colbert could quote Thomas Aquinas and all this, but I'm somebody who, because it's a necessity for me on a personal basis. I need it because I'm a lunatic.