The idea of being a practicing Catholic, it's - for me, it's like - I need a lot of practice, you know what I mean?

Nursery schools and bars at 2 a.m. are the only places where it is completely normal if someone just spontaneously throws up on the floor...and just like a toddler, the bar patron wakes up the next day not remembering or caring how they behaved.

Jesus if you could cure our son's blindness that'd be great... And we'd love some shelves over there.

You can never look that tough in glasses. ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick your ass."

There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.

I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'

I think stand-up comedy is this - it's this kind of indulgence and narcissism.