Don't take this the wrong way but I care more and I'm a better online friend than you. I also spend way to much time online.

Even when you hear about a comedian getting married, among comedians, we're always kind of like, what are they doing?

You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."

Manhattan's probably one of the bluest parts in the country, and Indiana's definitely one of the redder states. I have sympathy for both sides.

Weight Watchers says nothing tastes better than thin feels. I can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels.

Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.'

It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"