I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll have a glass of water, you want a shot of Jäger? You want eight of 'em?"

I like to stay in a hotel where it's a dome of silence. I can sit in my room and do nothing.

Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.

Jesus if you could cure our son's blindness that'd be great... And we'd love some shelves over there.

How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy's sitting there, like, "How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water."

I'd really like to promote my increasing consumption of bacon.

For a comedian to kind of catch onto something right as something's catching on in our culture, a lot of it is luck, and you hope the joke is funny.