I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll have a glass of water, you want a shot of Jäger? You want eight of 'em?"

My wife told me that in the Bible, Abraham circumcised himself... wow! I can't even get to the bank before it closes.

Cancer is always funny.

There was [ in New York] - some of it was this perception of the Midwest that I realized in this multicultural city that - and I don't think it's as true as it was - but everyone was kind of like, what, are you Jewish? Are you Italian? What are you? You know, are you black? Are you da-da-da? Are you Puerto Rican? And so I ended up - my ethnic identity was Midwestern, was white bread. And so it informed a lot of my stand-up.

I try to only eat animals that are vegan. I'm probably the opposite of a vegan.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

There are different parts of us. You want to feel safe but you want to also feel challenged.