Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

“Really, there are two types of people who go bowling. There are people who really, really love bowling. Then there are the people that are like: wouldn’t it be hysterical if we went bowling?”

Bacon's the best, even the frying of bacon sounds like an applause.

I left the Midwest thinking I didn't fit in. But when I got to New York, I realized how truly Midwestern I was.

Once you identify yourself as believing something, you open yourself to ridicule.

Cancer is always funny.