Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic.

It's a balancing act of you feel horrible that you're away but there is something about the road that is rather liberating.

Playing frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to chasing after a frisbee.

I saw this college team bowling championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach giving? "You know what? This time Timmy, I want you to knock down all the pins." "You sure?" "Trust me. Just do it son!"

People need to write articles and they need to have angles in them and I'm grateful when people are doing articles, but I always say there's not a great mystery to stand-up comedy.

I'm a guy who comes from a small town in the Midwest. It's not in my nature to say the most explicit things in public.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.