When it comes to stand-up, people feel this need to voice their objection through groaning or being offended. It's really irritating... I mean I love what I do, but that's the irritating side of it.

The only time the press doesn’t sensationalize information is when one of their own is kidnapped. Interesting how they show restraint then.

Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.

It just seems like right now we’re in a place where people are being witch-hunted for expressing an opinion. Even if it’s a lousy opinion or a shitty opinion, and comics I don’t think can ever fall into the trap of any groups that want to censor what a person says or thinks or punish a person for expressing what they think. Anything you say about a social issue is going to offend half the country. I don’t care how nicely you say it, I don’t care how well you construct the joke, simply by stating the opinion, you are for something and anti something else.

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.