When it comes to stand-up, people feel this need to voice their objection through groaning or being offended. It's really irritating... I mean I love what I do, but that's the irritating side of it.

Mario you are a great chef but you look like a homeless James Gandolfini.

I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.

There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future.

And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with AIDS, hepatitis C and liquified genital warts. And while they're all running out and crying, I hope one of them slips and accidentally molests a child.

No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.