I don't wear rubbers cause you can't catch it twice.

I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

My whole existence is spent just trying to not shove bad food in my fat face. It's like a constant struggle. I'll do really good for a while, and then I do bad, then I do really good.

When it comes to stand-up, people feel this need to voice their objection through groaning or being offended. It's really irritating... I mean I love what I do, but that's the irritating side of it.

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?