I don't wear rubbers cause you can't catch it twice.

You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.

You look like a diabetic strip club owner.

I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.

I appreciate that the New York Daily News will show dead bodies but blur the cover of a French parody magazine. Just out of respect, right guys?

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

From now on, anyone raped at Penn State should just tell Joe Paterno's statue. It couldn't help you any less than the real Joe would have.