I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.

I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open

I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

I should call myself four market Norton. I'm great in Boston and Cleveland. I do good in Phillie, New Jersey.

It just seems like right now we’re in a place where people are being witch-hunted for expressing an opinion. Even if it’s a lousy opinion or a shitty opinion, and comics I don’t think can ever fall into the trap of any groups that want to censor what a person says or thinks or punish a person for expressing what they think. Anything you say about a social issue is going to offend half the country. I don’t care how nicely you say it, I don’t care how well you construct the joke, simply by stating the opinion, you are for something and anti something else.

You look like a diabetic strip club owner.