I don't pull out because... it's not my problem.

When it comes to stand-up, people feel this need to voice their objection through groaning or being offended. It's really irritating... I mean I love what I do, but that's the irritating side of it.

That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood.

From now on, anyone raped at Penn State should just tell Joe Paterno's statue. It couldn't help you any less than the real Joe would have.

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?