And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with AIDS, hepatitis C and liquified genital warts. And while they're all running out and crying, I hope one of them slips and accidentally molests a child.

My job is to express who I am and what I hate about the country and what I love about it and what I hate about myself and what I love about myself and to make you laugh while I'm doing it.

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

People are dumb and they think that laughing equals cosigning a belief in the ideology, which it doesn't.

I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.

Mario you are a great chef but you look like a homeless James Gandolfini.

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!