And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with AIDS, hepatitis C and liquified genital warts. And while they're all running out and crying, I hope one of them slips and accidentally molests a child.

The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

You really are a badass, edgy guy who tells it like it is...about couscous.

I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.

The only time the press doesn’t sensationalize information is when one of their own is kidnapped. Interesting how they show restraint then.

I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.