And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with AIDS, hepatitis C and liquified genital warts. And while they're all running out and crying, I hope one of them slips and accidentally molests a child.

For the record, I hate skiing... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

My whole existence is spent just trying to not shove bad food in my fat face. It's like a constant struggle. I'll do really good for a while, and then I do bad, then I do really good.

I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open

I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic.

When it comes to stand-up, people feel this need to voice their objection through groaning or being offended. It's really irritating... I mean I love what I do, but that's the irritating side of it.