People are too worried a lot of times what other people in the audience are going to think about them, so they like to feign offense so other people don't think that they're inappropriate for laughing at something.

I should call myself four market Norton. I'm great in Boston and Cleveland. I do good in Phillie, New Jersey.

People are dumb and they think that laughing equals cosigning a belief in the ideology, which it doesn't.

I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic.

What a shock that a guy who makes $2 million a week behaves exactly like I would with $2 million a week. As far as I’m concerned, if you make $2 million a week and you don’t have a hooker in your hotel room, you’re creepy and I don’t trust you. And I don’t do drugs at all, so for me it would just be more prostitutes. That’s how they would find me. I would be dead on the floor, flattened by a pile of prostitutes. I’d look like a cat in a hoarders’ house.

For the record, I hate skiing... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.