Mario you are a great chef but you look like a homeless James Gandolfini.

You have the sex appeal of Norman Fell.

People are just self-centered-it's all about them. And we're telling people it's okay to be 'all about you' because you're a victim and it's not your fault. That's why society has gotten more and more belligerent and selfish.

People don't mind positive stereotypes. People don't mind positive assumptions. It's only negative assumptions about them. So their outrage is so arbitrary.

The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!