Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

Mario you are a great chef but you look like a homeless James Gandolfini.

Apologies; our cultural obsession with them isn't about actually being offended, or simply needing to hear, “I'm sorry.” It's not really about right or wrong. It's about wanting to throw a rock in the dark and hear something break.

When it comes to stand-up, people feel this need to voice their objection through groaning or being offended. It's really irritating... I mean I love what I do, but that's the irritating side of it.

No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.

The only time the press doesn’t sensationalize information is when one of their own is kidnapped. Interesting how they show restraint then.

I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open