Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.

For the record, I hate skiing... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

It just seems like right now we’re in a place where people are being witch-hunted for expressing an opinion. Even if it’s a lousy opinion or a shitty opinion, and comics I don’t think can ever fall into the trap of any groups that want to censor what a person says or thinks or punish a person for expressing what they think. Anything you say about a social issue is going to offend half the country. I don’t care how nicely you say it, I don’t care how well you construct the joke, simply by stating the opinion, you are for something and anti something else.

I don't wear rubbers cause you can't catch it twice.

I don't pull out because... it's not my problem.

I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic.