I should call myself four market Norton. I'm great in Boston and Cleveland. I do good in Phillie, New Jersey.

The only time the press doesn’t sensationalize information is when one of their own is kidnapped. Interesting how they show restraint then.

I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.

Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think they have to agree with or approve the content? You don't walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don't like.

I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil.

I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic.

You look like a diabetic strip club owner.