Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.

For the record, I hate skiing... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

Apologies; our cultural obsession with them isn't about actually being offended, or simply needing to hear, “I'm sorry.” It's not really about right or wrong. It's about wanting to throw a rock in the dark and hear something break.

My job is to express who I am and what I hate about the country and what I love about it and what I hate about myself and what I love about myself and to make you laugh while I'm doing it.

I appreciate that the New York Daily News will show dead bodies but blur the cover of a French parody magazine. Just out of respect, right guys?