You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.

From now on, anyone raped at Penn State should just tell Joe Paterno's statue. It couldn't help you any less than the real Joe would have.

I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

It just seems like right now we’re in a place where people are being witch-hunted for expressing an opinion. Even if it’s a lousy opinion or a shitty opinion, and comics I don’t think can ever fall into the trap of any groups that want to censor what a person says or thinks or punish a person for expressing what they think. Anything you say about a social issue is going to offend half the country. I don’t care how nicely you say it, I don’t care how well you construct the joke, simply by stating the opinion, you are for something and anti something else.

And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with AIDS, hepatitis C and liquified genital warts. And while they're all running out and crying, I hope one of them slips and accidentally molests a child.

Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.