I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

From now on, anyone raped at Penn State should just tell Joe Paterno's statue. It couldn't help you any less than the real Joe would have.

I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

The only time the press doesn’t sensationalize information is when one of their own is kidnapped. Interesting how they show restraint then.

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.

I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open

They don't tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar.