I don't wear rubbers cause you can't catch it twice.
I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.
I don't pull out because... it's not my problem.
I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.
My job is to express who I am and what I hate about the country and what I love about it and what I hate about myself and what I love about myself and to make you laugh while I'm doing it.
God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. "You little fat-titted mediocre failure!" You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year's Eve.