You look like a diabetic strip club owner.

I should call myself four market Norton. I'm great in Boston and Cleveland. I do good in Phillie, New Jersey.

From now on, anyone raped at Penn State should just tell Joe Paterno's statue. It couldn't help you any less than the real Joe would have.

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

For the record, I hate skiing... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

Apologies; our cultural obsession with them isn't about actually being offended, or simply needing to hear, “I'm sorry.” It's not really about right or wrong. It's about wanting to throw a rock in the dark and hear something break.

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?