You look like a diabetic strip club owner.

I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.

When it comes to stand-up, people feel this need to voice their objection through groaning or being offended. It's really irritating... I mean I love what I do, but that's the irritating side of it.

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

You really are a badass, edgy guy who tells it like it is...about couscous.

The only time the press doesn’t sensationalize information is when one of their own is kidnapped. Interesting how they show restraint then.