No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.

People are dumb and they think that laughing equals cosigning a belief in the ideology, which it doesn't.

I appreciate that the New York Daily News will show dead bodies but blur the cover of a French parody magazine. Just out of respect, right guys?

You really are a badass, edgy guy who tells it like it is...about couscous.

It just seems like right now we’re in a place where people are being witch-hunted for expressing an opinion. Even if it’s a lousy opinion or a shitty opinion, and comics I don’t think can ever fall into the trap of any groups that want to censor what a person says or thinks or punish a person for expressing what they think. Anything you say about a social issue is going to offend half the country. I don’t care how nicely you say it, I don’t care how well you construct the joke, simply by stating the opinion, you are for something and anti something else.

I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.

I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.