They don't tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar.

Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.

The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

When it comes to stand-up, people feel this need to voice their objection through groaning or being offended. It's really irritating... I mean I love what I do, but that's the irritating side of it.

You really are a badass, edgy guy who tells it like it is...about couscous.