What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

When it comes to stand-up, people feel this need to voice their objection through groaning or being offended. It's really irritating... I mean I love what I do, but that's the irritating side of it.

You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.

I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil.

Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.