God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.

That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?

The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

For the record, I hate skiing... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. "You little fat-titted mediocre failure!" You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year's Eve.

The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.