The only time the press doesn’t sensationalize information is when one of their own is kidnapped. Interesting how they show restraint then.

You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.

The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

They don't tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar.

For the record, I hate skiing... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil.

I don't wear rubbers cause you can't catch it twice.