I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.

You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.

I should call myself four market Norton. I'm great in Boston and Cleveland. I do good in Phillie, New Jersey.

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

People are too worried a lot of times what other people in the audience are going to think about them, so they like to feign offense so other people don't think that they're inappropriate for laughing at something.

I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.

People are just self-centered-it's all about them. And we're telling people it's okay to be 'all about you' because you're a victim and it's not your fault. That's why society has gotten more and more belligerent and selfish.