Apologies; our cultural obsession with them isn't about actually being offended, or simply needing to hear, “I'm sorry.” It's not really about right or wrong. It's about wanting to throw a rock in the dark and hear something break.

I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

When it comes to stand-up, people feel this need to voice their objection through groaning or being offended. It's really irritating... I mean I love what I do, but that's the irritating side of it.

From now on, anyone raped at Penn State should just tell Joe Paterno's statue. It couldn't help you any less than the real Joe would have.

Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.

The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.