Apologies; our cultural obsession with them isn't about actually being offended, or simply needing to hear, “I'm sorry.” It's not really about right or wrong. It's about wanting to throw a rock in the dark and hear something break.

I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open

I should call myself four market Norton. I'm great in Boston and Cleveland. I do good in Phillie, New Jersey.

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

You have the sex appeal of Norman Fell.

The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.