While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

You really are a badass, edgy guy who tells it like it is...about couscous.

When it comes to stand-up, people feel this need to voice their objection through groaning or being offended. It's really irritating... I mean I love what I do, but that's the irritating side of it.

I appreciate that the New York Daily News will show dead bodies but blur the cover of a French parody magazine. Just out of respect, right guys?

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

People are too worried a lot of times what other people in the audience are going to think about them, so they like to feign offense so other people don't think that they're inappropriate for laughing at something.