My whole existence is spent just trying to not shove bad food in my fat face. It's like a constant struggle. I'll do really good for a while, and then I do bad, then I do really good.

I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.

From now on, anyone raped at Penn State should just tell Joe Paterno's statue. It couldn't help you any less than the real Joe would have.

I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic.