My whole existence is spent just trying to not shove bad food in my fat face. It's like a constant struggle. I'll do really good for a while, and then I do bad, then I do really good.

Mario you are a great chef but you look like a homeless James Gandolfini.

I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil.

I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

You have the sex appeal of Norman Fell.

I appreciate that the New York Daily News will show dead bodies but blur the cover of a French parody magazine. Just out of respect, right guys?

The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.