The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

My whole existence is spent just trying to not shove bad food in my fat face. It's like a constant struggle. I'll do really good for a while, and then I do bad, then I do really good.

Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think they have to agree with or approve the content? You don't walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don't like.

While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil.