The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open

My job is to express who I am and what I hate about the country and what I love about it and what I hate about myself and what I love about myself and to make you laugh while I'm doing it.

I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

The only time the press doesn’t sensationalize information is when one of their own is kidnapped. Interesting how they show restraint then.