The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

I don't pull out because... it's not my problem.

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

The only time the press doesn’t sensationalize information is when one of their own is kidnapped. Interesting how they show restraint then.

They don't tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar.

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?