The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future.

God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. "You little fat-titted mediocre failure!" You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year's Eve.

I should call myself four market Norton. I'm great in Boston and Cleveland. I do good in Phillie, New Jersey.

Mario you are a great chef but you look like a homeless James Gandolfini.

Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.

I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.