I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

My whole existence is spent just trying to not shove bad food in my fat face. It's like a constant struggle. I'll do really good for a while, and then I do bad, then I do really good.

And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with AIDS, hepatitis C and liquified genital warts. And while they're all running out and crying, I hope one of them slips and accidentally molests a child.

What a shock that a guy who makes $2 million a week behaves exactly like I would with $2 million a week. As far as I’m concerned, if you make $2 million a week and you don’t have a hooker in your hotel room, you’re creepy and I don’t trust you. And I don’t do drugs at all, so for me it would just be more prostitutes. That’s how they would find me. I would be dead on the floor, flattened by a pile of prostitutes. I’d look like a cat in a hoarders’ house.

I don't pull out because... it's not my problem.

No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.

The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.