From now on, anyone raped at Penn State should just tell Joe Paterno's statue. It couldn't help you any less than the real Joe would have.

The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.

The only time the press doesn’t sensationalize information is when one of their own is kidnapped. Interesting how they show restraint then.

I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic.

That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood.

I should call myself four market Norton. I'm great in Boston and Cleveland. I do good in Phillie, New Jersey.