So instead of investing your time in a passion, you’ve sold your life to work for an uncaring machine that doesn’t understand you. That’s the problem with our society. And what’s the reward? Go home and get a big TV.

Faggot never meant "gay" when I was a kid. You kind of knew that you could call a gay person faggot if you were ignorant, but nobody ever called someone a faggot if they were gay.

If I could, I would live in Houston, and I would encourage any comic starting out looking for a good place to develop to move there.

I think stand is better now than it's ever been. I think it's the greatest time ever to do standup comedy.

I don't really like actors. Actors are like terrible comedians with no punch lines. It's all about them. They talk about themselves all the time. They bore the sh - t out of you.

If you are the greatest, why would you go around talking about it?

I'll go to church with anyone who's willing to smoke pot and look through a telescope with me.